There was a time when a caller ID from my kid’s school caused a trauma response. No matter how good my child was doing in middle school, it still was there. I remember once the school called and instead of answering it, my body instinctually just threw the phone. Luckily it landed on a nearby couch. Well, the most amazing thing happened. The school called today, and I had an entirely different response.
Our high school has a recorded message from the principal that goes out weekly during the school year. Also if there is anything pressing or timely, I might also get a recorded call. Well instead of my brain going directly to a trauma when I saw the high school caller ID, my brain assumed that it was recorded/robo call from the school. Instead of throwing my phone, feeling a tightness in my chest, or otherwise panicking, I answered the phone with a pause, clearly thinking it might be a recorded message.
It was a the head of special education working on the schedule and giving my son some choices for electives that fit. Poor woman didn’t even get a hello when I answered because I clearly was anticipating some recording. I couldn’t help but tell her the story. She’s a mom and educator in our community I knew she’d understand. That’s why my kid feels so safe at school right now.
For some of you, this story might sound odd, but for so many mom’s of kids with disabilities, it is quite ordinary. For me it began in Kindergarten. I would get a phone call and a request to come into school. There I would find out about a meltdown, an incident, something troubling said. I would inevitably be asked to take my son home. There was no paperwork. There was no negotiation. I was naive and believed that the school must understand Autism in children better than me. I would later learn this had a name, school pushout.
By the time my son was in 3rd grade, everything escalated. Now he was suspended. When I went to the school, I was given harsh critiques of my child and even my parenting style. Was I punishing him at home too? Was I providing enough strict structure and discipline? I dreaded the calls from the school. It reached a peak in 4th and eventually at least the pushout and the suspensions died down due to my own education and new understanding of how the system worked.
Still, I would get phone calls as my son moved up. I always appreciated the special education staff who would preface the phone conversation with a quick, “your son is not in trouble.” I mean sometimes the kid just got sick at school or they had a question about transportation and such. I still got calls about his behavior, but mostly they were collaborative calls about ideas I might have to help. One of our more innovative ideas that we collaborated on was a cussing room. My son has no intention of censoring his language much to the schools and my own dismay. So they created a space where he could scream, shout, cuss and get it all out.
However, still during this time, my body remembered the earlier times. I clenched answering the ring from the school. My pulse raced, and I felt my shoulders tighten. I wondered if that would go away.
Apparently, after only collaborative, benign, or illness calls from the school and a two year steady stream of recorded information messages from the principal, it did go away. Its a sign that our family is healing. For those in the midst of phone call hell, it does get better. That caller ID won’t always bring trauma. Maybe someday it will be a friendly voice on the other side. It gets better. Hang in there.