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Going to a cookout for most families is nothing exciting.  For us, it can be a big deal.  First, my family is not invited out much.  Second I never know how my son will react.  He is getting better about being around little kids and tolerating other kids, but I know it can also be a struggle.  So this Saturday, I took a chance and decided to take a friend up on his invite.

My son went in actually excited.  To be honest, if he wasn’t excited I might have just stayed home.  I decided long ago that pushing social events on E is never a good idea.  When he says he’s not interested, he means it.  We got there a little late, thanks to a PTA meeting, but it did mean that the food was ready.

As usual, my son wasn’t interested in any food that was not easily recognizable.  He did manage some fruit and chips.  He seemed content.  The majority if not all the kids were in living room watching a movie.  E was invited to join them.  E refused and followed me outside to eat.

While my husband and I talked state politics, E was enthralled with something else.  The house was located near an airport and the planes were closer than they are at our house.  He loved it.  Every time a plane went above our heads he watched and smiled.

Later that evening with the adults circled around the grill, E got up and was running around the backyard.  He was basically acting out the book, Why Can’t I Fly.  He had a stick and told me maybe this could help me fly.  He smiled and continued to play happily.  When it got dark he started chasing fireflies as he ran across my friend’s backyard.

So maybe he didn’t make any friends that day.  He didn’t try any new foods.  However, my son had a wonderful evening chasing fireflies.  I can’t think of a better way to spend a summer evening.

Hello!  It’s been ages since I posted.  Below is something I wrote before the NC May 16th rally, but I edited it a bit.  I will post my speech, my pictures and my reflections on the rally soon.  While teachers lead the charge, there is so much that we as parents and the community can do to help….

     It happens every Spring Break and many times over the summer.  My son and I run into a teacher at the grocery store. It almost feels like a wildlife encounter.  Look, son, Magistra in ludo non est. Translation The teacher in not in the elementary school.  Suddenly my talkative son is quiet and treats his teacher like they are an escaped animal from the zoo.

     To students, seeing a teacher outside of school introduces the strange idea that teachers are real people.  They indeed shop for food at local grocery stores, they may have children of their own, they are in fact human.  While it might be OK for an eight year old to be a little shocked that teachers are in fact real people. It is in fact not OK for our North Carolina General Assembly to feel this way too.  In many ways, this is why teachers marched on May 16th.

   It was called the Rally for Respect for a reason.  Our teachers are indeed real people. They are neither saints nor sinners.  They are professionals. We take their sacrifices for granted day after day. Our state leaders pay a lot of lip service in support of our teachers.  However, reverence is not respect. Just like all professionals, teachers just want to do their job well and the resources to make that happen.

     We have veteran teachers who have had their pay frozen for years.  The NCGA have taken away incentives to stay a teacher in North Carolina.  They’ve taken away longevity pay, and they’ve gutted benefits. The NCGA have created a system of merit based pay that highlighted North Carolina’s poverty issues more than highlighted talented teachers.  We need raises for our teachers without complicated strings attached. This is how our state can show respect.

    Our teachers sometimes work in infested buildings.  They have outdated textbooks or no textbooks at all.  Our teachers are forced to fill in gaps in funding our state has created.  Our low per pupil spending means teachers and even PTA are forced to meet the need for the most basic supplies for our students.   The NCGA should invest in our schools. They need to raise our per pupil spending as well as invest in a statewide school bond. That is how our state can show respect.

    Above and beyond, teachers are asking to be heard.  For too long, teachers have been denied a seat at the table.  Teachers deserve to be heard when it comes to curriculum decisions , class size, and testing.  They are truly experts in education and deserve a louder voice in how our schools are governed.   That is how our state can show respect.

     On May 16th our teachers gathered in downtown Raleigh.  My son and I joined them. That was one way I showed teachers respect.  Our teachers laid out demands to our legislators. I will encourage my elected officials to listen to our teachers.  That is another way I plan on showing our teachers respect. Finally, there will be General Assembly members who don’t listen and even some who will continue to show teachers disrespect in the media.  I plan on voting them out. That is a way we can all show our teachers respect.

Susan Book

I was filled with excitement this week.  My week was busy and tiring, yet I couldn’t hold back the feeling that relief was on its way.  For the first time in ages, I was looking forward to Spring Break.  It is strange.  I’m not going anywhere.  I have no elaborate plans during the week.  It is in fact going to be rather dull.  I’m not even a student myself.

However, I’m going to be gifted a break from school.  I’m being gifted a break from the anxiety, the fear and the anger that goes along with it.  More importantly my son will be getting a break from those feelings as well.

It is only recently, I realized how much anxiety I hold each day my son walks into the school.  I know he has the potential for great things, but I also know he has the potential to erupt into a fit of bad behavior.  I jump at phone calls during the day.  I clench at car pool waiting to find out his teacher’s report.  Even emails sometimes make me skittish.

Don’t worry I have help.  I also have coping mechanisms, but sometimes the reality of my life can just be a bit much.  No matter how many miles I run, or friends I call for help, my son still might have a meltdown at school.  I really needed this break.  I now have to keep my son from having too much screen time.  I have to monitor what snacks he eats, because he is a kid who likes sugar.  I have to drag him reluctantly outside for some real exercise.  Still all that pales in comparison to reading another email about how out of control E’s emotions were at school.

Here I have a small bit of control.  I can see when my son is disregulated.  Sometimes I can help him, sometimes I can’t.  Still I can see if I lost my temper and it triggered my son, or it was just literally spilled milk.  There is a relief in knowledge.  I know his day.  At school that isn’t always the case.

So it is time to remind my son to take a break from screen time and see if he’ll help me walk the dog.  It is going to be a quiet Spring Break, but hopefully it will bring some relief to our stressful lives.  Plus the dog gets more walks.

Happy Spring Break Wake County North Carolina and Beyond!

I was going along my normal day.  I was trying to work down my “To Do” list of totally unpleasant chores.  I managed to get a work out in, and I was cleaning up.   I had just finished my post work out shower, when I heard my phone buzz.  That’s when everything I wanted to to that day went out the window.  It was my son’s teacher.  My son was having a meltdown.  He ripped up some paper, but then started crying and couldn’t stop.  The teacher was worried.  She rarely contacts me for minor things.   She texted me back  in what seemed like an hour, but was actually 20 minutes, that E was calm and back at class, but my heart couldn’t just move on to get anything productive done.

In fact, I had grand visions of a blog post exposing the schools eligible for Disability Grants in North Carolina, and the new Education Savings Account.  However, I got a phone call on Thursday.  I was in the car and had just pulled up to the Wake County PTA Advocacy meeting.  As the principal is reporting to me, that my son had a semi violent outburst in class, familiar faces are smiling and waving outside my car.  I’m literally sick to my stomach and trying to figure out if I should even try to go to the meeting.  I finish up with the principal and find my way to the meeting.  My heart is sick and feel drained.  I make a small remark to those around me, but inside I’m crying.

I’m crying for the child who was in the path of my son’s destructive behavior.  I’m crying because I can’t seem to help my child control his anger all the time.  I’m crying because this is the second bad day E has had this week.  He makes up rules in his head and then refuses to break them.  I’m crying because we just had a therapy session last night.  His impulse control is so low this week.

I do manage to make it through the meeting and even managed to participate.  I didn’t take any notes, and I have vague memories of things we talked about.  I did agree to a little photo, but I really wanted to run and hide for a few hours.  No such luck.  I had things to get done which now included a meeting with the special education teacher.

After my wonderful husband was able to shuffle his schedule, I was free to meet with E’s special education teacher.  She had a training the next day, and we wanted to see if we could make any progress as soon as possible.  The meeting was long, but hopefully beneficial.  We had added things to his most recent IEP, and I had an inkling that they had not been fully implemented.

So now we start a new week.  We start really the IEP that we did in December.  The team has added a few things to try.  I’m nervous that they will not work or we will regress to last year.  I know my son’s outburst scared them.  It scares me, and most of all it scares my son.  He seems to be working through something, and all he feels is angry.

Its been a tough week.  My son would remind me, what my favorite word is.  It’s persevere.

During my first IEP meeting I was asked what were my goals for my son.  I answered that I wanted E to be happy, healthy and well adjusted.  It was what I could I could think of on the spot.  A few years later, its still in the document.

My biggest struggle in the beginning of my parental journey was keeping my head while so many voices wanted my attention.  There was expert advice that proved to be awful.  There were bad ideas from administrators. There were even teachers who disregarded me entirely.

My point is there are a lot of opinions on where your child should be at different levels and as a special needs parent its important sometimes to tune out the negative noise.  Although many, many will tell you that you are your child’s best advocate, they still may push things that you believe are harmful to your child.    In fact, I remember a meeting at my child’s old preschool where the phrase “you are your child’s best advocate” sounded about as sincere as a southern saying bless your heart.

The noise may also be repetitious.  Even though I informed my son’s preschool that E was in both developmental and speech therapy, I would get pulled aside at pickup.  I would be informed of all the things E was not doing yet.  If I wasn’t seeking therapy that would be helpful,  but the developmental therapist actually held sessions in class.

I’ve had a special education expert put Legos on a list of things to help E calm down.  This might make sense for other kids, but my son is actually not a big fan of Legos.  I’ve had to be that parent more times than I’ve wished.

The worst noise comes to me through the internet.  They all have titles like, “End Meltdowns Forever”, “Cure Picking Eating in just a Weekend”, or “No More Whining.”   The hyperbole is ridiculous.  They even sometimes come with good advice, but none of those steps are instantaneous.  These are skills and struggles that with all things take time.

The good thing is that as many negative voices, I’ve also met some very positive ones along the way as well.  Hold onto good OTs, therapists and reward the teachers that listen.  If someone is not helping then you don’t have to stay with them.  I don’t go back to a hair stylist that gives me a bad haircut.  Well maybe one more time just to give them a second chance.  Still, trust yourself as the expert on your child.

I have no doubt that my child will be able to succeed.  The journey probably won’t look anything like the neighbor’s next door.  I’m Ok with that.  We’ll keep working on improving.  I have no idea if E wants to be a teacher or an astronaut, but as long as in the end my son is happy, healthy, and well adjusted we’ll be fine.